Jaeeon’s Emotional Progress (02 August 21)

We’re back here again, as a progress check. JE and NB are not at all yet where they need to be, but Ep 7 was all about attempts at communication (yes, verbal too), conveying and confirming feelings. On JE’s end, it was all about emotional progress. 

For starters, NB tells JW that it’s not JE’s fault that she upped and left. NB knows that she and JE were just friends, she just ran because she couldn’t face her feelings for him. Knowing she was wrong, she assumes that JE would be upset/angry with her. 

This is consistent with the character of NB that we’ve come to know. NB assumes things of JE as a way to protect herself, and we’ve been shown that she’s not always right. Still, this assumption causes her to be distant when she sees him.

They get to the ferris wheel, and we see the first of JE’s attempts to communicate with NB. As we’ve seen in previous episodes, JE’s not the sort to show much emotion, especially negative ones. He hides his feelings behind smiles.

The only exceptions we’ve seen have been with NB - Jealousy with EH, anger when the man hurts her, shock when SA tells him the truth, dejection when she doesn’t contact him.

For the first time, he articulates what he’s feeling to NB. He hasn’t been doing well. Then, he tries to get to the point - asking her why she didn’t contact him. For all he knows, they were doing just fine, they were friendly.

Yes, he knows SA lied, it’s hard to connect the lie to NB leaving. Remember NB has not confessed her feelings. He’s trying to ask for the root reason, while also trying to explain why he wants to know. He was hurt when she didn’t message him on his birthday.

NB knows that this is the exact matter she has to address, but in order to answer JE’s questions, she would have to admit her feelings, which she’s unable/unwilling to do. So she apologises about using harsh words with SA instead.

She then says he would've gotten many messages. NB had just spent her birthday thinking about how she had many friends but none to spend it with (that is, until JE does). It’s hard to say if she’s truly or willfully ignorant that JE went through the same thing she did.

JE, perceiving that she may not get what he’s trying to say, kneels in front of her. And that’s him trying to show her sincerity through posture because JE isn’t the best with words. Then he tries to tell her he wanted to hear it from her.

He looks straight at her, trying to communicate through his eyes. NB doesn’t answer him. So he goes for the only other way he knows to connect - touch. But again she shrinks away, and he doesn’t push it, pretending to remove something for her hair.

We get to hear apprehensive thoughts that show she's affected. But unlike us, JE is not privy to her thoughts. It’s a complete failure for him. At that point he can only surmise one thing, which he asks NB, “Do you hate me that much?”

Then we get to the bbq. It’s important to note here that throughout the day NB has been hyper-aware of JE, politely rejecting DH’s advances to avoid misunderstanding. However, this is something she’d been doing since before JE got there.

For example, she winced when DH touched her shoulders, fell asleep when he spoke, didn’t have an impression of a night spent with him besides the food, and so on. NB never led DH on. She just spent time with him as he asked and was friendly with him.

At the same time, JE too can’t keep his eyes off NB. Having experienced the failure of trying to play the game again, he already knows he can’t entertain any other person besides NB. And it is here, then we get his first confession of feelings.

JE is not someone who can be forced to do anything. He’s pretty good at deflection. All night with DY, he avoids more contact or communication with her than he has to. Previously, he was about to skip the workshop too.

If JE didn’t want to play the whisper game nobody could’ve made him, but hearing the question, he calls her name, then looks at her. This is the first time the JE ever admits out loud, to himself and others, that NB is the one he has feelings for.

If you’re thinking “No but, the question was just who did he want to kiss” then I implore you to not look at the situation like NB, but with the wider lens of a viewer. JE already tried to tell NB on the ferris wheel, there may be many messages, but only yours matters. Again, he’s singling NB out to say only NB, no one but NB.

In Ep 6, JE actively denied his feelings, but we now have proof that he took his mother’s words to heart. He’s taking a step to admit that he only wants NB, he has feelings for her.

NB refuses to find out what the question is, because she’s afraid she’d lose control. Everyone knows JE's feelings, but she refuses to let herself believe. Again, NB’s fear is understandable given her past, but it impedes her from emotional breakthrough.

She then speaks to DY and finds out that the question is about who is the person JE wants to kiss. Immediately her mind jumps to “He wants to play with me again.” She goes there mentally, because again, she’s never trusted him to be sincere.

Remember in Ep 3, JE tells her that he’d been attracted to her since the beginning. She dismisses it. He asks her if she’d see him in a different light if he tried to earn her trust. 4 episodes on, we have our answer. It’s, “Not really.”

JE goes to find NB and we get a parallel to Ep 1, when they first met in the bar. At the time, the attraction was there, but the feelings were not. This time, everything is about feelings. JE is advancing again, but this time with genuine feelings.

NB tries to hide her wound, and tells him it doesn't concern him, but he asks “It hurts, right?” This is the framing of the scene - conveying and confirming what one really feels.

JE confesses that he also had other intentions by applying ointment on her. NB gets angry because she thinks he’s playing her again. She doesn’t actually know what he means by that. She points out his smile, because as we’ve seen over and over, NB thinks that JE is always unbothered while she’s the only one who’s anxious.

But we know that that’s not the case, in fact, his smile often masks his feelings. What he means by “intentions” becomes clear in their conversation. She confronts him about saying her name in the game, thinking he’s just trying to fool around.

But she doesn’t realise that it’s him trying to show that she’s the only one he wants. He tries to convey this by holding her (note his posture, it’s not a flirtatious or controlling touch, it’s when someone wants to convince).

He asks her if she really doesn’t know, and emphasises that he kept thinking of her, he missed her. From the ferris wheel to this point, he’d been trying to tell her, all that matters is you. Do you really not feel the same way? Why are you only angry with me?

JE has an inkling of NB’s feelings. KH also told him. But it’s logical that he would want to confirm that with NB. Again, NB understands the question, but she avoids it, choosing instead to say “You have a girlfriend”. He then asks her “Is that the issue?”

Again, NB knows it’s not, but she cannot bring herself to admit her feelings. So she answers no, but brushes it off like it has nothing to do with her. So he asks her to be honest - again, he has an inkling, but if NB doesn’t voice it, he won’t know.

Here I do still think that if they were better in communication, things would’ve been smoother. He could have said, “I don’t have a girlfriend, but is that really the issue?”

For example, in Ep 5 JE is not technically wrong. Even if he WAS seeing the man’s sister, it should not matter if they had already agreed to be friends with benefits. He can’t see that if he could just clear the misunderstandings first, NB will feel more confident being honest. It’s a blind spot, and he can work on it moving forward, but everything else already shows that he is steps ahead in terms of communication compared to Ep 5 and 6.

A lot of people say JE cornered her by stopping her from leaving. However, remember JE has been here before. Many times. He always let her go, and that was part of his way of not holding too tight to relations, even if they matter to him. This time, he doesn’t want to repeat the same mistakes.

Again, NB tries to avoid answering when he asks if she’s running away again. He uses words once more, “Do you really want me to let go?” He’d let go before, is that still what she wants? He needs to know, because he’s not going to let go. He’s no longer going to let himself draw the line. He’ll only do it if NB tells him to.

She’s an impenetrable fortress, she doesn’t answer. And so he resorts to the last way of communication he knows - touch. And she doesn’t resist him. For the first time in the whole episode, she responds to him.

Watching this kiss was heartbreaking, the close-ups of their lips, but more importantly their hands clinging on to each other. The intensity of this kiss is different. This time, their feelings are there, unavoidable, they missed each other so much.

Butterfly tattoos signify pain, ugliness of happiness, the lack of freedom. She covers it, as if it is in her hands.

Thinking back to Ep 4, JE told her that he was thinking of getting a tattoo of a butterfly whose caterpillar only ate flowers, not leaves. JE, the flower, holds her palm against his chest, right where his heart is. He wants his butterfly there.

He says he only wanted a butterfly tattoo “Just because”, it seems like it reminded him that to step beyond the line is to experience lack of freedom and pain. But symbolically now it seems that if it were in NB's hands, he’s willing to risk pain and lack of freedom.

Then, DH calls. NB pauses, but then dives back to kissing JE, but he pulls away. You see, it isn't just an issue of consent. He's not asking "Is it ok if I kiss you?" Of course it’s ok, she was aiming straight for his lips.

You see, it isn't just an issue of consent. He's not asking "Is it ok if I kiss you?" Of course it’s ok, she was aiming straight for his lips. No, after seeing the DH call, he's saying - Is it really ok for you to not pursue things with DH, because if we keep going I don't think I can stop. I'll cling to you, and I won't be able to let go like I used to.

JE has been able to let go every time so far. When she wanted to pursue things with EH, and when she wanted to end their fwb relationship, he let go. But after that point, he’s grown. He knows he can’t go back anymore, he won’t be able to let go of NB freely.

This is the guy who thought certainty wasn’t realistic, whose biggest defence mechanism was to draw the line. Here’s him telling NB that if it’s alright with her, then worldview, past hurts, and defence mechanism be damned, he'd step past the emotional line.

All this time NB has feared crumbling in JE’s presence, but thinking back at the sculpture she herself made, whether something is crumbling or being created, is a matter of perspective. If only, she would see the possibility of creation.

With regards to the cliffhanger, I believe they won’t go back to kissing. Looking at their entire trajectory, the writer has done a fantastic job of plotting a coming of age story, at a hyper-realistic pace.

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